Truth Hurts

Been A While!

It’s been a while since my last post and I do apologize. Over the past year I have changed industries, moved halfway across the country, and been trying to find a life in the new city I live in.

Now that I have taken care of that, I will be looking to start making some new post and luckily I’m living in a retarded state, TEXAS, that I should have plenty of stuff to talk about. I’m sure I can start a column for things I hate about Texans (1. They are TEXAN).

Time to let the good times role and let the party begin.

Best regards!

Oh Palin!

You have come to drag me out of my hole. I know you like to think that you and your family are sooo important, but you’re not.

There is no reason for Letterman to have to apologize for making fun of Bristol. Bristol gave up that right when she acted like her whitetrash roots, got pregnant in high school and kept the baby.  If anything Letterman should apologize to Alex Rodriguez for saying he would hit that.  If he had been talking about Willow it might not be as bad cause at least she is attractive and doesn’t have excess baggage.

Get over yourself, you are not that important and you won’t ever be anything besides a crazy governor from a retarded state. Your family will continue to be the family that everyone makes fun of all because of you.

Really???

So I went to Myspace today and on the front page I saw the people tab. Which made me think of a new topic that I would like to call “Really??” Basically I will just click on one to see if they were telling the truth. Luckily my very first one was a success!!

Jess(myspace#2) - you really think people are going to believe you are 22?

1. All your friends are 12-13, granted they could be your sisters, but that is highly doubtful
2. In your about me you say, “ I sometimes just like to be alone in my room and listen to music to get me away from all the drama that goes down in school cause there tends to be a lot of that.” At 22 you should hopefully be talking about college and when I was in college there wasn’t too much drama at school.

I think maybe you wanted to talk to someone a bit older than you, which is why you kept your old myspace, but he lost interest and now you haven’t checked on this one in 7 months.  I’m guessing he got smart and realized Chris Hansen was waiting on the other side of that door.  

Look Jess, do us all a favor, you and your “vanilla crew” keep with guys in your age range, they are way hornier, they may not know what they are doing, but lets be honest for once, neither do you. 

Maybe My Love For Chili’s Has Some Meaning???

I have to say that I fucking love Chili’s, the restaurant, country fried steak, appetizer trio, the presidente margaritas, bottomless chips and salsa, you really just can’t go wrong. But it always seems like when you ask a girl to go there, they are kind of resistant.  Maybe this explains why, courtesy of Holy Taco.  Oh did I mention I love anal?

The Anal Sex To Chili’s Restaurant Analogy

Recently we here at the Taco were talking about anal sex (shocking, I know) and we realized that the way women feel about anal sex is almost identical to the way they feel about eating at the restaurant Chili’s.  Here’s how we broke it down.

 1. Women Who Don’t Love Chili’s But Will Eat There On Ocassion

 A lot of women think Chili’s is just okay.  If they’re hungry and they’re near a Chili’s, you might be able to talk them in to eating there.   Or, if it’s your birthday, and Chili’s is your faaaavorite place to go, then your girlfriend might say “okay, fine, it’s your birthday, we’ll go to Chili’s and I won’t complain.  I’ll even order the Queso Skillet.”   They’ll never ask to go to Chili’s, but they can understand why you enjoy the food there, even though it’s not something healthy to have every day.

 2. Women Who Will Only Eat At Chili’s When They’re Drunk.

 If these women are sober, they’ll tell you how disgusting Chili’s is, and how they would NEVER eat there.  But as soon as they’re wasted, they’re like “I am craving for some Chili’s.”  Then the next morning they’ll be like “Oh my god, where did we eat last night?” and when you say “Chili’s” they’ll tell you “Don’t get used to eating there.  I feel sick.”  And sometimes if they’re drunk enough, they’ll wander into Chili’s by accident, because they’ll think they’re someplace else.  Then by the time they realize it’s Chili’s, they’re hungry and they’re there, so why not?

3. Women Who Hate Chili’s, Even Though They’ve Never Eaten There.

 Unfortunately, there are some girls that absolutely refuse to partake of even the occasional Chili’s dinner, no matter how hungry they might be.  They’ve never eaten there, but they’ve seen the commercials for it, and they don’t like how it looks.  If she catches you driving down the street that Chili’s is on, she’ll immediately say “you know I’m not eating at Chili’s right?” even before you’ve asked her if she wants to eat there.  You can’t even say,  “What if we just get an appetizer?!”  Not only do they not like Chili’s, but they look down on girls who do like Chili’s.  And if you attempt to bring up a friend of theirs who you heard likes Chili’s, they’ll ask you “how do YOU know she likes Chili’s?  Have you been to Chili’s with her?” 

4. Women Who Can Not Get Enough Chili’s

Then, finally, there’s girls who absolutely love Chili’s.  They go to the bar at Chili’s, they watch games at Chili’s, when you’re out on the town and you ask them where they want to eat tonight, they probably won’t bring up Chili’s, but if they’re driving the car, they’ll just drive there and be like “Here we are at Chili’s!”

How to make your man say “I love you”

There is only one sure fire way to make your man say, “I love you,” and know that he truly means it. 

SWALLOWING

No relationship will ever last unless you do it at least once.  If you don’t, he will be thinking of that girl that did it once or thinking about the girl that might do it once. 

So luckily for you the ladies over at Don’t Spit Swallow have cum (see what I did there) up with some tips that can help you out on your quest to making this happen. 

Ladies…Word of Advice

Only take dating advice from the opposite sex.

Time and time again I hear girls tell their girlfriends what they need to do.  Half the time it is coming from girls that are single (cause it is working for them), the other half it is completely what girls think guys think (no wonder I see some many more lesbians these days)

There was an article on the front page of yahoo with 6 tips on “How to Be a Total Man-Magnet” (actually only 5) that lays out the following rules:

Dating tip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.
Dating tip #3: Smile genuinely.
Dating tip #4: Work the eye contact.
Dating tip #5: Don’t immediately ask him what he does.
Dating tip #6: Make positive small talk.

Ok really?

#1: This is the worst of all of them; small groups make it way more intimidating.  And here is why, if you are out just trying to pick someone up you don’t want someone blocking your move.  If it is a large group of ladies once the drinks start flowing the have a hard time keeping track of the other one and just go have fun.  Then you don’t have others cutting into the conversation as much and you get to talk to the person picking you up.   Small groups a guy has to deal with talking to all of you and deal with your friends judging him, so more intimidating.

#3/#2: A smile can help, but so can not smiling.  If you’re smiling like crazy, we are going to think you are already having a good time so how can we help.  But if it doesn’t look like you are having a good time it gives the impression that we might be able to make you smile. 

#4/#3: Eyes are important, but if you are just giving him the “fuck me eyes” all that is going to leave you with is a sore asshole the next day.  Instead play the glance game but when you know he is looking give him a cute smile.  It will work out for the best.

#5/#4:  All I guys has is what he does, if he isn’t doing anything that isn’t anyone you want to pick up. Ask him what he does, not in a money way but in the, what kind of person he is way.  Just like when you were in college you would ask what their major was, you knew if he was an English major he would probably be more in touch with his feelings, if he was a engineering major he could probably add up your blood alcohol content.

#6/#5:  Actually no don’t talk unless there is a reason to. Here is the problem; you ladies actually talk enough as it is.  Let him talk, ask you questions, or you ask him questions as long as there is substance.  If you are just going to talk to make small talk you can do that after you bang.  If a girl is just talking most guys just think she is and idiot.

So ladies if you want to stay in the same place you have been with the opposite sex keep listening to your lady friends, one day you to will be an old bitter lesbian. 

Opinions

If you don’t want someone to tell you why yours is wrong, then keep your opinion to yourself.  No one likes a cry baby.  TRUTH HURTS!

Voting

If you can barely see the list, you shouldn’t be the person checking people in to vote.

Instead of making me have to stand there for an extra hour, please do everyone a favor and stay at your retirement home.  You may think you have all the time in the world, but really you are on your last days. 

Ladies…Word of Advice

Dress like you’re 18!!

Ladies: if you want to keep your man around forever AND faithful, you gotta dress like you mean it.  You’ll notice that as the relationship drags on, more often than not you don’t even bother to look hot. It finally gets to the point where you’re donning sweats when we go to dinner, and yet you still wonder why we look at the attractive, well-dressed hostess when she walks by.  It’s not because she is young; it is because she APPEARS to be young on account of dressing the part.  Instead of complaining about how slutty that group of girls looks and forcing us agree with you, try to dress like them.  The best part about you pointing them out is that we get a free pass to look at hot, slutty girls.  Heed my advice, or all you’ll have to look forward to is becoming another cougar trying to find man that will go anywhere near with your dried up, haggard vagina. Truth Hurts!